Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
