why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
