Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
