Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
