Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
