obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize