Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
