i will never coherently bang her
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
