dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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