I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
