So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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