id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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