Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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