A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
