got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
