I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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