He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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