My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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