just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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