By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
