He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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