i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
