What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
