He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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