I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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