dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
