You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
