So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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