We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
