someone threw a dead crab at me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
