you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
