I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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