I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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