I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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