My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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