The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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