Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
