I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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