can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
