God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
