I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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