so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
