if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
