I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
