Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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