he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
