Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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