My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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