Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
