that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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