I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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