So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
