My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
