I'm really into asian looking animals
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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