On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
where am i from again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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