My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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